Louise & Graham's Story

‘To have a healthy relationship with God or anyone else, I must not expect anything’
(Graham Weston 1997)

I was the project

Our relationship is unique and we have a beautiful romantic story! I’m not sure about the term “love at first sight” being true, but for ten years our lives have been connected providentially. The moment we met in 1998, it was “as if it was meant to be”. Our eyes locked together when we were introduced to each other at church. Graham was unshaven, dressed in a leather jacket and daggy ripped jeans, carrying a motorbike helmet. Not my idea of appealing, but I looked past his outward appearance and thought he was “all right”. That night, Graham went home and wrote this poem.

“Louise’s Prophesy”

When I met you tonight, for the first time I foresaw a vision of an angel. An Angel who is diligently mending from a broken heart, in which I have a desire to reward her efforts with grace and honour, she so richly deserves. Respecting her for the persistent one she is; a shattered innocent young woman who strove to forgive and love again.
While your future serenity flooded my soul, my eyes were fixed to your aura of repose, which seeks to enter your heart. I felt the purity of restored innocence shine from the merciful heart that waits to reward your persistence to reach the “forgiving past”.
Tonight, your smile extolled your inner beauty you wish to share as your glance illuminated brightly into my soul, capturing it for but a brief moment. I look forward to the possibility of being within your presence again; hoping to experience your friendship as it grows into a cloudless heart of love and understanding.

© Graham Weston 1998

I was careful not to make much of the poem but we did fall in love a few months later. Due to our Christian beliefs, it was decided that we wouldn’t have a sexual relationship prior to marriage. Our first kiss and everything beyond that would happen on our wedding day. Now that I know about AS, I realize why he had such restraint. I was the project; the Special Interest. Once Graham makes a decision, he finds it difficult to change his mind. The rule he adhered to was, “No kissing until the wedding day”.

Within three days of courting, we believed God revealed to us individually that we were to marry. We kept this secret in our hearts for three long weeks and then shared our divine message with each other. Graham had a checklist of 73 criteria for a wife and I met every one of them. Our courtship was an exciting 11 months where Graham swept me off my feet by surprising me with numerous love letters and poems, as well as creating precious memories. I had constant palpitations from the anticipation of seeing him. The palpitations disappeared on the wedding day.

Graham and I had excellent communication skills during our courtship. Within two weeks of knowing each other, we’d shared our deepest secrets. This gave us emotional closeness. We believed that spiritual intimacy would lead to emotional intimacy and in turn become physical intimacy. Consequently, a lot of time was spent talking. He made me laugh; the little idiosyncrasies and beautiful way he treated me were so admirable. Some of the virtues that drew me to Graham were his adventurous spirit, determination to succeed, attention to detail and ability to focus on a job until completion.

Anxiety, frustration and anger are a few of the negative AS traits that Graham experiences. On reflection, I recall a couple of occasions during our courtship when I saw him angry. It didn’t bother me as I thought, “No one is perfect.” One time, I went to a photo shop to have some film developed. While I was talking to the assistant, Graham came bounding in, took over and told the lady exactly what I wanted. Thinking this behaviour a bit odd, I named it, “over-the-top syndrome”. This was our first fight and we successfully resolved the conflict.

It wasn’t until two weeks before the wedding that I noticed he would raise his voice at times. This would occur during stressful moments or when more people were around. An example of this was when his children from a previous marriage came to stay. When the children misbehaved, Graham would raise his voice. Not knowing much about children, I thought that was the usual response.

In retrospect, I can see the Asperger qualities that drew me to Graham - his attention to detail, his loyalty, honesty, kindness and eagerness to repair things for me. In him, I had what most women could only dream of. Whenever I saw him, I would jump into his arms and he would spin me around. It was just so beautiful, so wonderful!

After a difficult first marriage that didn’t really have much of a courtship, I couldn’t believe that I’d met someone so charming and that we could be so incredibly happy. Graham treated me like a lady. Now, how many men out there still open the car door or pull out a chair for a lady? Not many! I feel very grateful that he still does these special things for me even to this day. Graham makes me feel like I’m worth a million dollars.

Early married life

The wedding day was perfect, the first kiss a little embarrassing in front of all those people. The initial few weeks of our marriage proved to be very difficult. Graham would focus on the computer which was in our bedroom, spending hours on a project. I remember thinking, ‘It would be nice to have some affection, intimacy or quality time together.’ Graham didn’t understand this and I considered this to be unusual. Intuitively, I knew something was wrong, but failed to understand what. The lack of attention was such an issue that I remember buying a book called 400 ways to say I love you. A family member who saw me reading this said, ‘You shouldn’t need that - you’ve only been married for three weeks.’

We had different expectations of what marriage was all about. I had also become a step mother to a boy aged nine and a girl aged eight (now 21 and 19), who taught me a lot about life. They’re beautiful children. I love them like they’re my own and wouldn’t swap them for the world.

One day is vivid in my mind, when I needed Graham to help me with parenting. He was focused on establishing our yard, but I needed his attention and help with the children. As he couldn’t be in two places at once, this resulted in him becoming confused and frustrated. Graham has since told me his reasoning that day was, ‘She wants me to do the garden but she wants me inside. Which is most important? What’s her problem; can’t she just sort the children out herself?’ Over time, the more I said “Come inside”, the more he’d become angry and withdraw. If I badgered, questioned or wallowed in self-pity, he would put up more walls. Layer upon layer was forming around him and I couldn’t get through. Our relationship lacked emotional intimacy. After four years of marriage, Graham thought about ending the relationship. Thankfully, his Aspie loyalty prevented him from leaving me.

Since Graham has been diagnosed with AS, I have a deeper understanding of what motivates him. Special Interests inspire him by providing a deep sense of personal satisfaction, achievement and self-worth.

We enjoy lovely times of connecting now